Rachel used to always joke with me, saying if there was no such thing as bad luck, you would have no luck at all. I say she would joke, but as we all know behind every joke is some truth. She was not wrong to say this because it always seemed that if something can go wrong with me, it would. Of course, it was not until Rachel passed away that I truly felt like maybe she was rite. In the past to mention a few things, I have been hit by a car while walking to work, I sadly lost many people I thought were my friends after my divorce and then some more after Rachel Passed, I have been burnt countless times by others, I had all the money from the foundation, Rachel’s writers, I started in her honor; stolen etc.. . I am sure many of us feel this way, like when is shit going to start getting easier. Then we all know those people who seem to go through life seemingly unscathed, at least that is how it appears. Why is it some people are surrounded by heartache/tragedy in their lifetime, while others are not at all? This is a question I cannot answer and know there really is no answer. But what I do know is this, that it’s not what is happening/happened that’s important, it is how are you allowing what is happening/happened to affect you. I would laugh it off with Rachel and tell her things like I have the three of you (my kids) so I think that’s lucky or I have a very close loving family, not everyone can say that they have that, so again, Lucky. It really was not until I lost something so invaluable to me, that I not only felt like the unluckiest person but also completely broken, panicked, desperate and totally powerless. I was sad, not bitter, but sad. I chose to not feel happy, I felt guilty if I smiled or laughed, I felt like I had to be dark and sad because that’s how a grieving mom should feel and just to be very clear, that is exactly how I felt.
But even in the midst of this depression filled with grief, If I am honest, I did laugh at times, always smiled looking back at pictures and felt joy for those around me who were making their own accomplishments. I was able to feel happy, but my home setting was sadness. Then looking through the book I published, I read one of her quotes that I have read a million times, printed out to make pins, have hanging on my wall in my family room for goodness sake and this time it just Spoke to me, So simply said and so true.
The quote I am talking about which went viral after she passed was “I can’t tell you what happiness is, its different for everyone, but I can tell you where to find happiness, within yourself”. Although she had many awesome and insightful quotes, this one speaks the simple truth. No-one can make us happy, we are the only one’s who have this power over ourselves and she realized that happiness is very personal and different for everyone. We are truly all unique in our own way, which is not only ok, but it is fantastic. Sure, some people in our lives can elevate our happiness while others can diminish it and often times, they can be one in the same people at different times in your life (ie:exes). But your happiness regardless of your situation is managed, owned and released by only you. Happiness is not a rite, it’s a choice. We always get to choose what feelings/thoughts we will allow to define us each day. As much as some people believe they are so powerful to control someone’s thoughts and feelings, the truth is we only have power over one person here on earth which is ourselves. Kudos to my only 17-year-old daughter, Rachel Anna Rosoff who realized something at such a young age that most people do not realize throughout their entire lifetime.