Sometimes I feel Like Cybil

One of the best compliments I ever received was from one of my childhood friends who met one of my friends I met later in life. After talking to one another while I stepped away to go to the restroom, they said to me when I returned to the table

“It’s amazing, you’re exactly the same person you were as a kid as you are now. You       have always been genuine, honest, kind and spoke your mind. You have always known    who you are and nothing has changed you, its pretty incredible”

Well I must say things have changed, yes I still know who I am, although at times I wish I can change that because I often feel an internal conflict with the real me and the me I want to be since Rachel passed. I want to be bitter, angry and resentful, but that is just not how I am wired. I want the people who are responsible for her death to feel the pain I feel, I want some kind of Justice, which I realize is impossible because nothing aside from holding her and hugging her again will ever be acceptable to me.

I often feel like Sybil, you remember her? I often feel like I have to wear a different mask these days, depending on where I am going and who I will See. Even when I feel like curling up in my bed and crying myself to sleep because of the ongoing pain of missing my Rachie, I need to in a way dissocociate from what I feel and pretend I am OK. I must say it is utterly exhausting and at times very frustrating.

So why do I do this? Well simply because most people cannot handle the grief I am saturated with and because I am a healer by nature, the thought of making others uncomfortable, makes me uncomfortable.  But more Honestly, it is because in this country Grief is not tolerated or if it is, it seems that people put a time line on how long it is acceptable to be sad and distraught over the loss you endured.

Part of me wants to say “Fuck them all”, and challenge them to even imagine living a day in my shoes, but the other part of me tries to realize that no one can really understand the pain and suffering and the subtle and not so subtle triggers that can bring you to your knees.

I have certainly cut ties with people who I expected more from and realized that with the loss of my daughter came the loss of many friendships I thought were more solid and genuine than they were.  On the other hand, I have been pleasantly surprised by the love and support from people I never ever imagined I would receive such love, support, patience and kindness from.

I find the most comfort with other parents who have endured the pain of losing their child, the unnatural state of nature, nature backwards if you will. It is with this group of people anything goes, you can say anything and rather than being judged or feeling like a burden, you receive nods and absolute understanding.

I urge anyone who knows someone who has lost a child, to be understanding of the ongoing and never ending pain that just will not go away. I urge you to recognize that the uncomfortable feelings you have about the death of their child is minimal compared to the feelings they struggle with every single day. Be the friend you would want to have if G-D forbid you were the one who had to endure life without one of your kids. Be strong, don’t run and hide, but push pass your own comfort level and be the person they need. Death does not discriminate, anyone can be in this situation and one thing I can promise you is that I would be there for you.

3 thoughts on “Sometimes I feel Like Cybil”

    1. I am so sorry, Its something no one should ever have to go through. If you ever need an ear, i am here

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