People have often asked me or rather said to me “I can’t imagine what it must feel like to lose a child, I don’t know if I would be able to go on”. My response either to them or in my head was like no, you can’t even begin to imagine how difficult life is living without a piece of me, how many times I replay incidences that I wish I had handled better, leaving me feeling guilty and unfit. You can’t imagine the loss of my plans for the future , the life I not only imagined, but expected I would get.
But now I think I can give you a good example to help you comprehend on some level what it feels like.
So imagine yourself on a 5 minute actual emotional rollercoaster ride. While on the rollercoaster, your emotions change with the ups and downs of the rollercoaster while your body is feeling physically nausea and you are sick to the stomach. Now whatever your thinking that would feel like multiple that by 100, it doesn’t sound fun, it isn’t. But in this scenario you chose to get on the rollercoaster ride and you knew it will only last 5 min, so no matter how bad it is, it’s only 5 minutes and it will be over.
See I never chose this, it chose me and controls me. It hits like a ton of bricks and has no mercy, It will sometimes stay for a hour and other times stays for days. I do not have a schedule of when it will come, never know when it will hit , how hard I will fall and how long it will stay. I am Griefs bitch, but I learned that fighting it makes it worse, feeling it and allowing yourself to go through it is best.