The Tsunami of GRIEF

This is what I call it when I get hit so hard with a pang of grief that in many ways debilitates me, making me stop and sit with my grief.  At first I used to fight it, which only made it harder so I learned to just sit with it and give myself grace and understanding for not being able to do what I need to or usually do.

I think it comes from all our repressed grief that is build up  within us and erupts like a Volcano. Just like Lava oozes out of the Volcano, I think our grief oozes out of every pore in our body, making us have to stop and allow ourselves, our souls and our bodies to grieve and process our loss.

Happiness Begins and Ends with You

Rachel used to always joke with me, saying if there was no such thing as bad luck, you would have no luck at all. I say she would joke, but as we all know behind every joke is some truth. She was not wrong to say this because it always seemed that if something can go wrong with me, it would. Of course, it was not until Rachel passed away that I truly felt like maybe she was rite. In the past to mention a few things, I have been hit by a car while walking to work, I sadly lost many people I thought were my friends after my divorce and then some more after Rachel Passed, I have been burnt countless times by others, I had all the money from the foundation, Rachel’s writers, I started in her honor; stolen etc.. . I am sure many of us feel this way, like when is shit going to start getting easier. Then we all know those people who seem to go through life seemingly unscathed, at least that is how it appears. Why is it some people are surrounded by heartache/tragedy in their lifetime, while others are not at all? This is a question I cannot answer and know there really is no answer. But what I do know is this, that it’s not what is happening/happened that’s important, it is how are you allowing what is happening/happened to affect you. I would laugh it off with Rachel and tell her things like I have the three of you (my kids) so I think that’s lucky or I have a very close loving family, not everyone can say that they have that, so again, Lucky. It really was not until I lost something so invaluable to me, that I not only felt like the unluckiest person but also completely broken, panicked, desperate and totally powerless. I was sad, not bitter, but sad. I chose to not feel happy, I felt guilty if I smiled or laughed, I felt like I had to be dark and sad because that’s how a grieving mom should feel and just to be very clear, that is exactly how I felt.
But even in the midst of this depression filled with grief, If I am honest, I did laugh at times, always smiled looking back at pictures and felt joy for those around me who were making their own accomplishments. I was able to feel happy, but my home setting was sadness. Then looking through the book I published, I read one of her quotes that I have read a million times, printed out to make pins, have hanging on my wall in my family room for goodness sake and this time it just Spoke to me, So simply said and so true.

The quote I am talking about which went viral after she passed was “I can’t tell you what happiness is, its different for everyone, but I can tell you where to find happiness, within yourself”. Although she had many awesome and insightful quotes, this one speaks the simple truth. No-one can make us happy, we are the only one’s who have this power over ourselves and she realized that happiness is very personal and different for everyone. We are truly all unique in our own way, which is not only ok, but it is fantastic. Sure, some people in our lives can elevate our happiness while others can diminish it and often times, they can be one in the same people at different times in your life (ie:exes). But your happiness regardless of your situation is managed, owned and released by only you. Happiness is not a rite, it’s a choice. We always get to choose what feelings/thoughts we will allow to define us each day. As much as some people believe they are so powerful to control someone’s thoughts and feelings, the truth is we only have power over one person here on earth which is ourselves. Kudos to my only 17-year-old daughter, Rachel Anna Rosoff who realized something at such a young age that most people do not realize throughout their entire lifetime.

The unexpected gift of grief

There is nothing on earth like the emotional, physical and mental anguish felt when one loses a child. It is so powerful that it literally shakes and lifts you to another place, a place I never wanted to go to, a place I now see as a gift, thus the name The Unexpected Gift of Grief. Before Rachel passed, I was content, set in my ways, never looked too much into the afterlife or thought much about souls, I did not even know what a soul group was. I was just moving through life, never considering that we are all connected in some way. I mean that just sounds crazy, rite?Well, when desperation and sadness take over you, your mind begins to open up and you begin to see things that you would have never seen, had you never had suffered that excruciating loss. You start to consider the possibility of things that you would have previously doubted. You seek answers to questions that would have never interested you before, it’s like I now know that there is more than life on earth, I now believe that our spirit never dies and we will be together again, I say I know, obviously not factually, but I feel it deep inside of me that it is true. So, as a result I ask questions and have read books to validate if what I feel is true, and Guess What? A lot of it does validate my feelings that life does not end when your earthly body dies.I realize Rachel was more my teacher than anything else. The absence of this one person is so impactful on my life, I had to go out of my comfort zone and explore and understand the “Bigger Picture”, that this is part of the plan and not to feel like I am being punished. Rachel/loss of Rachel has challenged me in many ways and I am thankful that I did not become bitter, but rather love seeing her friends, her cousins, my friends kids etc. Achieve and succeed at their goals.I have learned a lot more about myself and those around me, weaning out my “real” friends from those who could not be bothered with a grieving “friend”. I no longer think the same, Many of my thoughts and beliefs of what I once thought was important has changed. This is not a gift I asked for and believe me, wished I had never gotten, but I did and I acknowledge it as a gift because my world, my views, my beliefs and increased knowledge has expanded giving me a sense of purpose and restoring the hope that I initially lost, to know it’s not final, its just a temporary physical separation and we will one day again be together.Now Just writing all this, I still feel a little crazy, but when you feel what I felt deep inside and in your heart,you believe; coupled with all the research and books supporting life after death, I have become a believer. I feel like we are partners, Rachie and I, working together, me down here and her up there. Look, the truth is, if it gives me just a little comfort, why not continue to believe, I mean no one really knows anything until the end and either I will be disappointed or radiantly happy, but at least my days here will be filled with hope.

I can’t Imagine..

People have often asked me or rather said to me “I can’t imagine what it must feel like to lose a child, I don’t know if I would be able to go on”. My response either to them or in my head was like no, you can’t even begin to imagine how difficult life is living without a piece of me, how many times I replay incidences that I wish I had handled better, leaving me feeling guilty and unfit. You can’t imagine the loss of my plans for the future , the life I not only imagined, but expected I would get.

But now I think I can give you a good example to help you comprehend on some level what it feels like.

So imagine yourself on a 5 minute actual emotional rollercoaster ride. While on the rollercoaster, your emotions change with the ups and downs of the rollercoaster while your body is feeling physically nausea and you are sick to the stomach. Now whatever your thinking that would feel like multiple that by 100, it doesn’t sound fun, it isn’t. But in this scenario you chose to get on the rollercoaster ride and you knew it will only last 5 min, so no matter how bad it is, it’s only 5 minutes and it will be over.
See I never chose this, it chose me and controls me. It hits like a ton of bricks and has no mercy, It will sometimes stay for a hour and other times stays for days. I do not have a schedule of when it will come, never know when it will hit , how hard I will fall and how long it will stay. I am Griefs bitch, but I learned that fighting it makes it worse, feeling it and allowing yourself to go through it is best.

“What Doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, is bullshit

So i am sure you all heard the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “this was G-D’s plan”. Well let me tell you something. I do not feel stronger, in fact quite the opposite. I am 49 years old and when i look in the mirror I feel as if I am looking at a stranger, not so much physically, but emotionally, I used to be somewhat fearless, now I am afraid all the time. Afraid I won’t get through the day, afraid of losing one of my other kids, afraid of disappointing others because I have not gotten “over” losing my daughter less than three years ago. I can not help feeling as if i am being punished. I can’t really identify too many things I gained, but I can tell you A lot I lost, to start with, future experiences with my daughter, most of all my “friends”, the fierce drive I once had and worse thing ever, myself. So just because i get up every morning and face the day, I am weaker, not stronger. What use to be effortless, takes so much effort. Sometimes i wish it did kill me so i don’t have to endure the eternal pain i feel daily, I think maybe it would be easier. Now do not misunderstand me, I do not want to kill myself, but when you lose a child, you lose so much more than people can even imagine. I have published two books with my daughters writings, set up scholarships in her name as well as a foundation, so people assume I am strong, but the loss of my Rachie coupled with feeling like i Have leprosy due to the avoidance of others, enhances feelings of loneliness and heartache. I used to be the “go to” friend, but now that i can not offer the support and guidance I once was able to, I am more like the Goodbye friend. People are so afraid to confront death so instead they add to the sadness by pretending or avoiding. I thankfully have a wonderful family and great friends i can talk to, but they do not live in my area. I guess in some way I was always everyones rock, the dependable, caring, whatever you need friend, now i sit alone. So this has not made me stronger, but i hear how strong I am from others, but I think it is to make them feel better, validating to themselves that I do not need them relieving them of the guilt they feel for not moving out of their own comfort zone to embrace my sadness and pain.

Grief often feels like You Are Bipolar

Have you had those days where your emotions are all over the place? Going from content, to utterly sad to hopeful to hopeless all in a 24 hour time period? I have experienced days like these on countless occasions since my Rachel passed away suddenly in September 3, 2016.

I find myself experiencing major ups and downs, without warning, making it difficult at times to get through the day. The thing about being Bipolar is that there is medication to help with these emotional roller coaster rides, but there is no medication to help monitor the grief we feel and this never ending state of constant emotional upheaval.

I find those times I get the opportunity to speak of Rachel, I get a weird sense of happiness, which shortly is overshadowed by the intense pain and reality that she is gone and all I have are my memories of the past, mourning the absence of memories of the present and future.

The definition of grief is a keen mental suffering or distress over affliction or loss, sharp sorrow and painful regret. Although this simply defines the meaning of grief, speaking first hand its so much more than this. Grief does come to visit, it moves in and becomes part of you. We as humans are adaptable , We can learn to live without a limb we once had, learn to live with an illness that incapacitates us and grief is no different. We do not get “over it” or “move on”, we just learn to live with it and realize sometimes Grief is a renter and other times the landlord.

Fighting the grief we feel, only makes it more powerful. As painful as it is, I have learned going through it and being kind to yourself allowing you to stop and feel the immense void that plaques us daily, is the best way to co-exist with grief.

Sometimes I feel Like Cybil

One of the best compliments I ever received was from one of my childhood friends who met one of my friends I met later in life. After talking to one another while I stepped away to go to the restroom, they said to me when I returned to the table

“It’s amazing, you’re exactly the same person you were as a kid as you are now. You       have always been genuine, honest, kind and spoke your mind. You have always known    who you are and nothing has changed you, its pretty incredible”

Well I must say things have changed, yes I still know who I am, although at times I wish I can change that because I often feel an internal conflict with the real me and the me I want to be since Rachel passed. I want to be bitter, angry and resentful, but that is just not how I am wired. I want the people who are responsible for her death to feel the pain I feel, I want some kind of Justice, which I realize is impossible because nothing aside from holding her and hugging her again will ever be acceptable to me.

I often feel like Sybil, you remember her? I often feel like I have to wear a different mask these days, depending on where I am going and who I will See. Even when I feel like curling up in my bed and crying myself to sleep because of the ongoing pain of missing my Rachie, I need to in a way dissocociate from what I feel and pretend I am OK. I must say it is utterly exhausting and at times very frustrating.

So why do I do this? Well simply because most people cannot handle the grief I am saturated with and because I am a healer by nature, the thought of making others uncomfortable, makes me uncomfortable.  But more Honestly, it is because in this country Grief is not tolerated or if it is, it seems that people put a time line on how long it is acceptable to be sad and distraught over the loss you endured.

Part of me wants to say “Fuck them all”, and challenge them to even imagine living a day in my shoes, but the other part of me tries to realize that no one can really understand the pain and suffering and the subtle and not so subtle triggers that can bring you to your knees.

I have certainly cut ties with people who I expected more from and realized that with the loss of my daughter came the loss of many friendships I thought were more solid and genuine than they were.  On the other hand, I have been pleasantly surprised by the love and support from people I never ever imagined I would receive such love, support, patience and kindness from.

I find the most comfort with other parents who have endured the pain of losing their child, the unnatural state of nature, nature backwards if you will. It is with this group of people anything goes, you can say anything and rather than being judged or feeling like a burden, you receive nods and absolute understanding.

I urge anyone who knows someone who has lost a child, to be understanding of the ongoing and never ending pain that just will not go away. I urge you to recognize that the uncomfortable feelings you have about the death of their child is minimal compared to the feelings they struggle with every single day. Be the friend you would want to have if G-D forbid you were the one who had to endure life without one of your kids. Be strong, don’t run and hide, but push pass your own comfort level and be the person they need. Death does not discriminate, anyone can be in this situation and one thing I can promise you is that I would be there for you.

Say Her Name

When you lose a child all you can do is try and keep their memory alive.

It seems to be the popular consensus by those who never experienced such a loss that talking about or mentioning their name will make us sad or remind us that our child has died. We never forget our child has died, however when you talk about them and share stories, you are reminding us that you remembered that they lived , which is probably the greatest gift you can give a bereaved parent.

All we have left is our memories and nothing is more soothing to hear their name and even better to hear how they may have impacted your life. The holidays are extremely hard because no matter how much joy and love we have in our lives, the void of our missing child is felt tremendously.

 I talk about her everyday and will continue to do so as long as I am breathing. Yes sometimes the memories bring tears to my eyes and other times I can’t help but smile remembering how funny and quirky she was. So say her name, remember her spirit and embrace the feelings of loss and more importantly the love for her as well as the love received by her.

Happy Thanksgiving Rachie

The holidays are extremely hard. I find myself feeling as if i am looking for something all the time, i realized it’s you. It’s amazing how much you can miss a person, it hurts like nothing i could ever imagine. Having the family together is a constant reminder of your absence. I love you so much. I miss you so much. I cry for you often and laugh as well when i see your pictures or watch videos of  you. But one thing i do very often is smile when I think of you and all our memories. Happy Thanksgiving Rachel.