So i am sure you all heard the saying “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” or “this was G-D’s plan”. Well let me tell you something. I do not feel stronger, in fact quite the opposite. I am 49 years old and when i look in the mirror I feel as if I am looking at a stranger, not so much physically, but emotionally, I used to be somewhat fearless, now I am afraid all the time. Afraid I won’t get through the day, afraid of losing one of my other kids, afraid of disappointing others because I have not gotten “over” losing my daughter less than three years ago. I can not help feeling as if i am being punished. I can’t really identify too many things I gained, but I can tell you A lot I lost, to start with, future experiences with my daughter, most of all my “friends”, the fierce drive I once had and worse thing ever, myself. So just because i get up every morning and face the day, I am weaker, not stronger. What use to be effortless, takes so much effort. Sometimes i wish it did kill me so i don’t have to endure the eternal pain i feel daily, I think maybe it would be easier. Now do not misunderstand me, I do not want to kill myself, but when you lose a child, you lose so much more than people can even imagine. I have published two books with my daughters writings, set up scholarships in her name as well as a foundation, so people assume I am strong, but the loss of my Rachie coupled with feeling like i Have leprosy due to the avoidance of others, enhances feelings of loneliness and heartache. I used to be the “go to” friend, but now that i can not offer the support and guidance I once was able to, I am more like the Goodbye friend. People are so afraid to confront death so instead they add to the sadness by pretending or avoiding. I thankfully have a wonderful family and great friends i can talk to, but they do not live in my area. I guess in some way I was always everyones rock, the dependable, caring, whatever you need friend, now i sit alone. So this has not made me stronger, but i hear how strong I am from others, but I think it is to make them feel better, validating to themselves that I do not need them relieving them of the guilt they feel for not moving out of their own comfort zone to embrace my sadness and pain.