One of the best compliments I ever received was from one of
my childhood friends who met one of my friends I met later in life. After
talking to one another while I stepped away to go to the restroom, they said to
me when I returned to the table
“It’s amazing, you’re
exactly the same person you were as a kid as you are now. You have always been genuine, honest, kind
and spoke your mind. You have always known who you are and nothing has changed you, its
pretty incredible”
Well I must say things have changed, yes I still know who I
am, although at times I wish I can change that because I often feel an internal
conflict with the real me and the me I want to be since Rachel passed. I want
to be bitter, angry and resentful, but that is just not how I am wired. I want
the people who are responsible for her death to feel the pain I feel, I want
some kind of Justice, which I realize is impossible because nothing aside from
holding her and hugging her again will ever be acceptable to me.
I often feel like Sybil, you remember her? I often feel like
I have to wear a different mask these days, depending on where I am going and
who I will See. Even when I feel like curling up in my bed and crying myself to
sleep because of the ongoing pain of missing my Rachie, I need to in a way
dissocociate from what I feel and pretend I am OK. I must say it is utterly
exhausting and at times very frustrating.
So why do I do this? Well simply because most people cannot
handle the grief I am saturated with and because I am a healer by nature, the
thought of making others uncomfortable, makes me uncomfortable. But more Honestly, it is because in this
country Grief is not tolerated or if it is, it seems that people put a time
line on how long it is acceptable to be sad and distraught over the loss you
endured.
Part of me wants to say “Fuck them all”, and challenge them
to even imagine living a day in my shoes, but the other part of me tries to
realize that no one can really understand the pain and suffering and the subtle
and not so subtle triggers that can bring you to your knees.
I have certainly cut ties with people who I expected more
from and realized that with the loss of my daughter came the loss of many
friendships I thought were more solid and genuine than they were. On the other hand, I have been pleasantly
surprised by the love and support from people I never ever imagined I would
receive such love, support, patience and kindness from.
I find the most comfort with other parents who have endured
the pain of losing their child, the unnatural state of nature, nature backwards
if you will. It is with this group of people anything goes, you can say
anything and rather than being judged or feeling like a burden, you receive
nods and absolute understanding.
I urge anyone who knows someone who has lost a child, to be
understanding of the ongoing and never ending pain that just will not go away.
I urge you to recognize that the uncomfortable feelings you have about the
death of their child is minimal compared to the feelings they struggle with
every single day. Be the friend you would want to have if G-D forbid you were
the one who had to endure life without one of your kids. Be strong, don’t run
and hide, but push pass your own comfort level and be the person they need.
Death does not discriminate, anyone can be in this situation and one thing I
can promise you is that I would be there for you.