How are you doing or how do you feel? A question I get asked daily and although I know it is well intended, in all reality it’s kind of a silly question, rite? The truth is I am doing “Shitty’. I cry every day and struggle daily with the constant pain that tugs at my heart, I miss the life I have known for the past 17 years and the mere sight of my daughter doing the simplest of things, such as leaving her dirty dish on the kitchen counter or making her lunch. I have lost part of me, it’s gone and I say lost because I do not really know exactly where it is, except that its with her. I spend my days reflecting a lot and even with all this pain and suffering I acknowledge and am so very thankful that I have my other kids and realize that she took part of them with her as well. Life often challenges us in many ways such as having your first child. Yes of course there are trillions of books to help the “new parent” learn what to do, but like most things in life we learn and do things differently than others because what works for one person, will not work for another. The experience is fun, scary, exciting and exhausting, but the rewards are endless as we learn from our tiny little child how to become a parent and step in the role of mom and dad. Well losing a child, is the worse thing ever and like everything else, there are books on the stages of grieving, what to expect, validating that it’s ok to feel a certain way Blah, Blah, Blah. No one knows your child like you do, the relationship that you had with them, the things they would do that always made you smile or on the other hand those thing that would drive you nuts. This is a tragedy of the worst kind, one I sincerely hope no one has to ever go through. I had someone say to me “I have no words, I cannot begin to even imagine what your days are like and I am so thankful that this is not my life” So It sounds harsh to some maybe, but this person said what everyone else feels and that’s ok. It is Ok to feel relieved and thankful that this is not your life, i am thankful that this is not your life as well. I hate that it’s mine, but it is.
So I have been keeping busy doing what I call “The Rachel Projects”, I have published one book of her original quotes and am getting ready to publish the second book with her writings and how they impacted and helped me begin to heal. I have two scholarships in her name, benches in her honor around town and other things to help me keep her alive as I possibly can.
My point of all this is that
even though she is no longer here, I continue to learn from her and she
continues to teach me how to be a good mom, encourages me to keep the strength
she always said she admired about me and to realize that even in a shit storm
where you are feeling powerless and hopeless, there are moments that are not as
intense or scary or emotionally debilitating and it’s okay to embrace those
moments when you can. My new norm sucks, I will no longer have my three kids
together ever again or be able to hug or kiss her again or see her graduate, go
to college… This has changed me, I do not laugh as much as I normally do, I
am not bitter, but there is a darkness that was not there before and I am sad
and feel as if I am being physically weighted down at times. All of this sucks
and I hate it, but this my new norm. So as i said I continue to learn from her
and as I was looking at some of her writings and came across this one, I in a
way felt as if she was saying, yup this totally sucks and i know your sad and
feel lost, but not ALL the time, so during those times choose to embrace them.
That it’s ok to smile or laugh, that I have a choice to always stay in the
darkness or when the darkness is lifted momentarily to embrace it and smile
wide trying to recall her presence and the beautiful essence of her, rather
than only focusing on the absence of her. She is still my daughter who I love
just as much as I always have and I hope to continue to learn from her through
her gift of writing as I continue to go through them. Its hard to feel anything
other than Pride when it comes to how I feel about my daughter, she was
exceptional in so many ways, some that are just being revealed now.
Here is the Poem I was talking about:
“Each Morning we are
awake, We are faced with a choice
To either make the day beautiful or Bad, To smile wide and forget the bitter,
putting what’s negative aside or just choosing to be a quitter. You see each
day brings new chances to learn and grow and be a better you, something I think
we all forget to do. So just remember the choice is yours and no one or nothing
can take that choice away” -Rachel Rosoff